A/N: ngl this is... sad. I hope it's not too sad for your purposes, OP! thank you for the idea!! ---
At first, it’s just a little support.
Eddie brings Chris over and they keep Jee occupied for a few hours to give Maddie a break. Maddie makes them meals because it’s easier to stomach food when they do it together. They carpool to work some days, so the silence isn’t quite so deafening.
It’s been weeks, and neither of them has any idea how much longer they’ll be waiting. If they’ll ever stop.
Somewhere along the way, they start visiting the hospital together, too. The staff moved Buck and Chimney into the same room anyway once their comas stretched on and their vitals stayed stable. Now they’re on a long, quiet ward filled with old people and young people and the family members that haunt them, refusing to let go.
Eddie can’t let go.
He doesn’t remember much about that call, anymore. It’s lost to memory, to trauma, to all the times he’s tried to recall the details and figure out what he could have done differently to prevent this. In reality, there’s nothing. As much as Eddie knows that, he can’t stop trying.
Maddie cries every time.
She’s brave while they sit with their partners, telling them everything Jee does, weird things that have happened at work– anything she can think of. Eddie stays silent, like his mouth is full of cotton and he can’t get a word in around it. Maddie tries to pull him in, prompting him to add to a story she’s telling or asking him to tell Buck about Chris because Eddie obviously knows better than she does.
He tries. It should come easy. Just like talking to Buck always has. But whatever he says turns to ash in his mouth and falls flat. He can’t even look at Buck. Can’t bear to see him like this.
The second they leave the room, Maddie’s tears start falling. Eddie hates himself, knows he’s making this worse for her. Making her feel alone in this horrible uncertainty and fear and self-loathing. It’s what he always does, apparently. Another trip around the sun. Another example of Eddie fucking Diaz letting a woman he cares about down because he can’t bear to face it.
Maddie’s silent on the drive home. She doesn’t even turn on the radio, and Eddie doesn’t know what else to do except sit there and keep quiet for her. There’s nothing waiting for either of them. Chris is at a friend’s house for the night, as he is more often than not these days, and Jee is with the Lees for the weekend. It’ll be nothing but empty rooms and dark halls at home. It’s what Eddie deserves, but Maddie doesn’t give him the chance. “Inside, now.”
He follows her sheepishly, a dog on a leash. “Maddie–”
She whirls around on him. “He needs to hear your voice, Eddie! You can’t just– just waste away! He needs you!”
Eddie wishes he was angry, that Maddie’s words filled him with something other than empty, grey despair. He can’t bring himself to say anything, even now. Even as Maddie turns big, wet brown eyes at him, begging him to do something. React.
“Eddie!” She yells, finally, and it–
God fucking help him but it sounds like Buck. The pitch and timbre are different– of course they are– but the tone. The way her voice curls around his name. It’s so close.
She’s the closest thing to Buck that’s still breathing on their own. It burns. It chokes Eddie, rouses that horrible part of him that still believes one day Buck will wake up. It propels him across the room, raises his hand without his consent to touch the corner of Maddie’s mouth.
Would she taste like him? Would she sound like him? Would she respond like him?
“Please.” He whispers. “Maddie, please–”
She’s kissing him before he gets the rest of his plea out. She does, Eddie finds, kiss like Buck. At least in this instance. Hungry and hopeful and self-assured. Like they know the skill they’re bringing to the table. It’s close enough. It’s enough. It has to be enough.
Eddie’s hands find her jaw, anchoring her when he pulls back to rest his forehead against hers. “This is so– I know it’s so fucked up, Mads, I’m–”
“Shut up, Eddie.”
He obeys.
Her mouth is insistent against his, tongue pressing past the seam of his lips. He sucks on it greedily, thinks that she does taste a little bit like Buck. Or maybe it’s just been so long he can’t remember anymore.
The thought makes him wild, desperate. He tangles his fingers in Maddie’s hair, his free hand fisting in the fabric of her shirt as she backs him toward the bedroom. His brain feels swimmy, his hands shaking. He’s grateful Maddie seems to know what to do, where to go.
Someone’s cheeks are wet with tears. Eddie can’t tell whose. Maybe it’s both of them. Maddie brings his hands to her waist, and it’s close enough– soft, warm, smooth skin. Suddenly, Eddie can’t remember the last time he touched Buck’s skin like this. Maybe it was the morning of the accident? The night before?
If he wasn’t crying before, he definitely is now.
Maddie groans against his mouth, and Eddie can’t stand it anymore. He has to know.
He sinks to his knees, fingers brushing her knee just below the hem of her skirt. “I need– Maddie, please, can I–”
She nods. “You can, it’s okay,” she soothes, fingers sorting through his hair. “It’s okay, go ahead.”
Eddie groans in relief, ducking under her skirt and burying his face between her thighs. Her skin is a milky pale, just a shade warmer than Buck’s, but it’s so soft. Her thighs are dusted with soft hair, and even if it’s not as much as Buck has, it’s enough to spark the memory– the feel of Buck in his hands.
She’s so warm here, his face pressed against her fabric-covered cunt. Alive, breathing, here.
He grasps Maddie’s hips, guides her back onto the bed so she can relax while he kneels between her legs. Maybe this way she can close her eyes and feel Chimney. She deserves to feel as good as possible. It’s what Chimney would want. What Buck would want. Eddie can do that.
This was one thing he was always good at. The only thing he could always offer Shannon. Even on their worst days, he could put himself to work for her like this, make her come over and over until she was spent and sated and he’d done something right by her for once.
They work together to get Maddie’s panties off her legs, and Eddie massages her calves in his hands while she sits up to get rid of her top. She seems to like that, easing back down onto the mattress with an appreciative hum. It makes Eddie feel something other than empty, to know he’s giving her something when she’s done so much to keep them all together.
Maddie sighs, pleased, as he licks a soft stripe up her cunt, circles his tongue over her clit. So far, she just tastes like warm skin. Eddie needs more.
He ducks his head down a little further, buries his tongue inside her, thrusting it in and out. She seems to like that, rewarding him with a rush of wetness. She tastes good— not as salty as Buck, but with that same earthy quality that always made Eddie feel grounded when Buck would feed it to him. Although, maybe he’s imagining that, too.
He draws his tongue back up, focuses gentle, quick flicks of his tongue over her clit. “Baby,” Maddie moans, her legs wrapping around his shoulders.
Eddie stays quiet, doesn’t want to ruin this for her.
She comes on his tongue, hips jerking against his face as she rides out the orgasm. Eddie keeps it up until she squirms away, making sure she gets every second of pleasure out of it. She moves like she’s about to peer down at him, so Eddie moves faster, gripping her hips and flipping her over.
Maddie squeals, genuinely surprised, but she doesn’t tell him to knock it off. Instead, she strips her skirt off and wiggles her ass back at him, and god is it a beautiful ass. “Are you gonna—“ she starts, gasping when he spreads her. “I want you to.”
Eddie kisses one full ass cheek, then sets his tongue to her hole. It feels closer, if dirtier, but Maddie seems to be enjoying herself, pressing back against his tongue as he spears it inside her. If it were Buck, he’d be making sure his three days of stubble were scraping his ass. Eddie would be pulling back and telling him what a gorgeous ass he has, what a good boy he is.
Maddie isn’t Buck.
Eddie swirls his tongue over the furl of muscle, sinks two fingers into her dripping cunt to find her sweet spot. He wants to do it right when it’s time, after Maddie lets him have this for a few minutes. She’s generous, keeping her own noises muffled into her arm. Eddie appreciates it, even if it makes his stomach roil that she would think to do so.
That feeling gets worse when he pulls back to dig through the nightstand for a condom and she whispers, “there’s lube in that drawer, too, if you want— Eddie, if you need—“
“Shh,” Eddie soothes, kissing the back of her shoulder. “No, just enjoy yourself. That’s what I want.”
Maddie nods, sitting up while Eddie strips and crawls up on the bed with her. He rolls the condom on and ignores how foreign it feels after years with Buck. How foreign fucking Maddie is going to feel. But she said she wanted this, and Eddie can’t keep failing her.
It feels like relief when she shoves at his shoulders and puts him flat on his back. He knows how to do this, too. She turns her back to him as she swings a leg over his hips, lining herself up. From this angle, she looks especially majestic, long hair spilling down her back in dark waves, the moonlight catching her pale skin and making it glow almost ethereal.
Maddie moans low and guttural as she lowers herself down, and he wonders if it feels close enough. He’s only ever seen Chim soft in the showers or the locker room, so he can’t know for sure. He hopes it’s not so different that it shatters the fantasy for her. He knows his hands are too big, so he tangles one in her hair and trails the fingers of the other over her skin so it’s not too obvious. She shivers at the light touch.
Eddie lets her set the pace, rolling his hips up into hers once he understands what she likes. He shifts a bit, looking for the spot he mapped out with his fingers earlier, flushing pink and pleased when she gasps and grinds down harder. She’s so warm and silky-soft inside, clenching down on him tight as she gets closer. It’s not the same, but it’s all they have.
Maddie’s fingers fly to her clit, her pace slowing to a filthy grind until she freezes, her head dropping back as her second orgasm hits. Eddie fucks her through it, holding her steady. Her groan turns into a high whine as she rides the edge of overstimulation, tapping his thigh when she’s done.
He did right by her. He did good. He misses his boyfriend so badly he can’t breathe.
Her thighs are trembling as she pulls off, turning around to face him. “Close your eyes.”
Eddie does, a little startled to find that he doesn’t really care what she’s going to do to him next. She wraps one hand around his cock, and brings the other to his lips, pressing against them with two fingers. “Just pretend.” She whispers.
Maybe what should be startling is just how much Buck seems to have shared with his sister about their sex life, but all Eddie is right now is grateful. The shape of her fingers isn’t right– they’re too thin, and her nails are far too long and smooth, but he can pretend. With his eyes closed and a sure hand around his cock, he can imagine.
He sucks desperately at her fingers, tries to convince himself. When he comes, he’s crying again, but that, too, feels like a release. Maddie disappears briefly, coming back with a pack of baby wipes. They clean up in silence and get dressed again before Maddie crawls into bed and holds back the covers for Eddie to join her.
He hesitates, but there’s something familiar in her eyes he can’t deny. That’s what this entire night has been about, after all. He thinks about what she said, how Buck needs to hear him. Eddie would do anything– move heaven and earth, trade places, anything– to make Buck wake up.
Maddie lets him hold her while she cries herself to sleep, and he dries her face with the sleeve of his shirt whenever the tears start to drip off her jaw. Once she’s well and truly out, he slips out of bed. As quietly as possible, he writes out a message on a sticky note to let her know everything’s okay and where he’s going to be. He’s a coward for leaving her, he knows, but he needs this.
The nurses sigh and shake their heads at him for skulking around after visiting hours, but they let him be as he makes his way down the hall. Buck and Chimney’s room is quiet but for the ventilators hissing, the heart monitors beeping. Eddie kicks his shoes off so he doesn’t dirty up the white waffle blanket, then crawls up into the bed. He snakes his arm under the breathing tube, winds it around Buck’s chest. He can feel it rise and fall under him, and when he closes his eyes and tucks his face into Buck’s neck, he can almost believe it.
Eddie broke the dam tonight, and tears come too easily now. “Baby,” he sobs into Buck’s neck. “I’m so sorry. Please come back. Please, I need you.”
FILL: settle for the ghost of you
---
At first, it’s just a little support.
Eddie brings Chris over and they keep Jee occupied for a few hours to give Maddie a break. Maddie makes them meals because it’s easier to stomach food when they do it together. They carpool to work some days, so the silence isn’t quite so deafening.
It’s been weeks, and neither of them has any idea how much longer they’ll be waiting. If they’ll ever stop.
Somewhere along the way, they start visiting the hospital together, too. The staff moved Buck and Chimney into the same room anyway once their comas stretched on and their vitals stayed stable. Now they’re on a long, quiet ward filled with old people and young people and the family members that haunt them, refusing to let go.
Eddie can’t let go.
He doesn’t remember much about that call, anymore. It’s lost to memory, to trauma, to all the times he’s tried to recall the details and figure out what he could have done differently to prevent this. In reality, there’s nothing. As much as Eddie knows that, he can’t stop trying.
Maddie cries every time.
She’s brave while they sit with their partners, telling them everything Jee does, weird things that have happened at work– anything she can think of. Eddie stays silent, like his mouth is full of cotton and he can’t get a word in around it. Maddie tries to pull him in, prompting him to add to a story she’s telling or asking him to tell Buck about Chris because Eddie obviously knows better than she does.
He tries. It should come easy. Just like talking to Buck always has. But whatever he says turns to ash in his mouth and falls flat. He can’t even look at Buck. Can’t bear to see him like this.
The second they leave the room, Maddie’s tears start falling. Eddie hates himself, knows he’s making this worse for her. Making her feel alone in this horrible uncertainty and fear and self-loathing. It’s what he always does, apparently. Another trip around the sun. Another example of Eddie fucking Diaz letting a woman he cares about down because he can’t bear to face it.
Maddie’s silent on the drive home. She doesn’t even turn on the radio, and Eddie doesn’t know what else to do except sit there and keep quiet for her. There’s nothing waiting for either of them. Chris is at a friend’s house for the night, as he is more often than not these days, and Jee is with the Lees for the weekend. It’ll be nothing but empty rooms and dark halls at home. It’s what Eddie deserves, but Maddie doesn’t give him the chance. “Inside, now.”
He follows her sheepishly, a dog on a leash. “Maddie–”
She whirls around on him. “He needs to hear your voice, Eddie! You can’t just– just waste away! He needs you!”
Eddie wishes he was angry, that Maddie’s words filled him with something other than empty, grey despair. He can’t bring himself to say anything, even now. Even as Maddie turns big, wet brown eyes at him, begging him to do something. React.
“Eddie!” She yells, finally, and it–
God fucking help him but it sounds like Buck. The pitch and timbre are different– of course they are– but the tone. The way her voice curls around his name. It’s so close.
She’s the closest thing to Buck that’s still breathing on their own. It burns. It chokes Eddie, rouses that horrible part of him that still believes one day Buck will wake up. It propels him across the room, raises his hand without his consent to touch the corner of Maddie’s mouth.
Would she taste like him? Would she sound like him? Would she respond like him?
“Please.” He whispers. “Maddie, please–”
She’s kissing him before he gets the rest of his plea out. She does, Eddie finds, kiss like Buck. At least in this instance. Hungry and hopeful and self-assured. Like they know the skill they’re bringing to the table. It’s close enough. It’s enough. It has to be enough.
Eddie’s hands find her jaw, anchoring her when he pulls back to rest his forehead against hers. “This is so– I know it’s so fucked up, Mads, I’m–”
“Shut up, Eddie.”
He obeys.
Her mouth is insistent against his, tongue pressing past the seam of his lips. He sucks on it greedily, thinks that she does taste a little bit like Buck. Or maybe it’s just been so long he can’t remember anymore.
The thought makes him wild, desperate. He tangles his fingers in Maddie’s hair, his free hand fisting in the fabric of her shirt as she backs him toward the bedroom. His brain feels swimmy, his hands shaking. He’s grateful Maddie seems to know what to do, where to go.
Someone’s cheeks are wet with tears. Eddie can’t tell whose. Maybe it’s both of them. Maddie brings his hands to her waist, and it’s close enough– soft, warm, smooth skin. Suddenly, Eddie can’t remember the last time he touched Buck’s skin like this. Maybe it was the morning of the accident? The night before?
If he wasn’t crying before, he definitely is now.
Maddie groans against his mouth, and Eddie can’t stand it anymore. He has to know.
He sinks to his knees, fingers brushing her knee just below the hem of her skirt. “I need– Maddie, please, can I–”
She nods. “You can, it’s okay,” she soothes, fingers sorting through his hair. “It’s okay, go ahead.”
Eddie groans in relief, ducking under her skirt and burying his face between her thighs. Her skin is a milky pale, just a shade warmer than Buck’s, but it’s so soft. Her thighs are dusted with soft hair, and even if it’s not as much as Buck has, it’s enough to spark the memory– the feel of Buck in his hands.
She’s so warm here, his face pressed against her fabric-covered cunt. Alive, breathing, here.
He grasps Maddie’s hips, guides her back onto the bed so she can relax while he kneels between her legs. Maybe this way she can close her eyes and feel Chimney. She deserves to feel as good as possible. It’s what Chimney would want. What Buck would want. Eddie can do that.
This was one thing he was always good at. The only thing he could always offer Shannon. Even on their worst days, he could put himself to work for her like this, make her come over and over until she was spent and sated and he’d done something right by her for once.
They work together to get Maddie’s panties off her legs, and Eddie massages her calves in his hands while she sits up to get rid of her top. She seems to like that, easing back down onto the mattress with an appreciative hum. It makes Eddie feel something other than empty, to know he’s giving her something when she’s done so much to keep them all together.
Maddie sighs, pleased, as he licks a soft stripe up her cunt, circles his tongue over her clit. So far, she just tastes like warm skin. Eddie needs more.
He ducks his head down a little further, buries his tongue inside her, thrusting it in and out. She seems to like that, rewarding him with a rush of wetness. She tastes good— not as salty as Buck, but with that same earthy quality that always made Eddie feel grounded when Buck would feed it to him. Although, maybe he’s imagining that, too.
He draws his tongue back up, focuses gentle, quick flicks of his tongue over her clit. “Baby,” Maddie moans, her legs wrapping around his shoulders.
Eddie stays quiet, doesn’t want to ruin this for her.
She comes on his tongue, hips jerking against his face as she rides out the orgasm. Eddie keeps it up until she squirms away, making sure she gets every second of pleasure out of it. She moves like she’s about to peer down at him, so Eddie moves faster, gripping her hips and flipping her over.
Maddie squeals, genuinely surprised, but she doesn’t tell him to knock it off. Instead, she strips her skirt off and wiggles her ass back at him, and god is it a beautiful ass. “Are you gonna—“ she starts, gasping when he spreads her. “I want you to.”
Eddie kisses one full ass cheek, then sets his tongue to her hole. It feels closer, if dirtier, but Maddie seems to be enjoying herself, pressing back against his tongue as he spears it inside her. If it were Buck, he’d be making sure his three days of stubble were scraping his ass. Eddie would be pulling back and telling him what a gorgeous ass he has, what a good boy he is.
Maddie isn’t Buck.
Eddie swirls his tongue over the furl of muscle, sinks two fingers into her dripping cunt to find her sweet spot. He wants to do it right when it’s time, after Maddie lets him have this for a few minutes. She’s generous, keeping her own noises muffled into her arm. Eddie appreciates it, even if it makes his stomach roil that she would think to do so.
That feeling gets worse when he pulls back to dig through the nightstand for a condom and she whispers, “there’s lube in that drawer, too, if you want— Eddie, if you need—“
“Shh,” Eddie soothes, kissing the back of her shoulder. “No, just enjoy yourself. That’s what I want.”
Maddie nods, sitting up while Eddie strips and crawls up on the bed with her. He rolls the condom on and ignores how foreign it feels after years with Buck. How foreign fucking Maddie is going to feel. But she said she wanted this, and Eddie can’t keep failing her.
It feels like relief when she shoves at his shoulders and puts him flat on his back. He knows how to do this, too. She turns her back to him as she swings a leg over his hips, lining herself up. From this angle, she looks especially majestic, long hair spilling down her back in dark waves, the moonlight catching her pale skin and making it glow almost ethereal.
Maddie moans low and guttural as she lowers herself down, and he wonders if it feels close enough. He’s only ever seen Chim soft in the showers or the locker room, so he can’t know for sure. He hopes it’s not so different that it shatters the fantasy for her. He knows his hands are too big, so he tangles one in her hair and trails the fingers of the other over her skin so it’s not too obvious. She shivers at the light touch.
Eddie lets her set the pace, rolling his hips up into hers once he understands what she likes. He shifts a bit, looking for the spot he mapped out with his fingers earlier, flushing pink and pleased when she gasps and grinds down harder. She’s so warm and silky-soft inside, clenching down on him tight as she gets closer. It’s not the same, but it’s all they have.
Maddie’s fingers fly to her clit, her pace slowing to a filthy grind until she freezes, her head dropping back as her second orgasm hits. Eddie fucks her through it, holding her steady. Her groan turns into a high whine as she rides the edge of overstimulation, tapping his thigh when she’s done.
He did right by her. He did good. He misses his boyfriend so badly he can’t breathe.
Her thighs are trembling as she pulls off, turning around to face him. “Close your eyes.”
Eddie does, a little startled to find that he doesn’t really care what she’s going to do to him next. She wraps one hand around his cock, and brings the other to his lips, pressing against them with two fingers. “Just pretend.” She whispers.
Maybe what should be startling is just how much Buck seems to have shared with his sister about their sex life, but all Eddie is right now is grateful. The shape of her fingers isn’t right– they’re too thin, and her nails are far too long and smooth, but he can pretend. With his eyes closed and a sure hand around his cock, he can imagine.
He sucks desperately at her fingers, tries to convince himself. When he comes, he’s crying again, but that, too, feels like a release. Maddie disappears briefly, coming back with a pack of baby wipes. They clean up in silence and get dressed again before Maddie crawls into bed and holds back the covers for Eddie to join her.
He hesitates, but there’s something familiar in her eyes he can’t deny. That’s what this entire night has been about, after all. He thinks about what she said, how Buck needs to hear him. Eddie would do anything– move heaven and earth, trade places, anything– to make Buck wake up.
Maddie lets him hold her while she cries herself to sleep, and he dries her face with the sleeve of his shirt whenever the tears start to drip off her jaw. Once she’s well and truly out, he slips out of bed. As quietly as possible, he writes out a message on a sticky note to let her know everything’s okay and where he’s going to be. He’s a coward for leaving her, he knows, but he needs this.
The nurses sigh and shake their heads at him for skulking around after visiting hours, but they let him be as he makes his way down the hall. Buck and Chimney’s room is quiet but for the ventilators hissing, the heart monitors beeping. Eddie kicks his shoes off so he doesn’t dirty up the white waffle blanket, then crawls up into the bed. He snakes his arm under the breathing tube, winds it around Buck’s chest. He can feel it rise and fall under him, and when he closes his eyes and tucks his face into Buck’s neck, he can almost believe it.
Eddie broke the dam tonight, and tears come too easily now. “Baby,” he sobs into Buck’s neck. “I’m so sorry. Please come back. Please, I need you.”
Buck doesn’t stir. Eddie cries himself to sleep.